diary entry #2: lemons & limes (sans audio.)

7/11/2024

Dear Diary,

I met some wonderful new people. I've lost so many friends as of late, I forgot that you can make friends again, anytime you want to. When I was a kid, I was so shy about the idea of making friends. I'd get so nervous and decide it was just not worth it unless they approached me first. Funny enough, only recently I've learned to turn that habit into a thing of the past.

As a bisexual woman currently dating a man, I forget to seek out gay representation in the people I choose to be friends with. Not that that's a factor, or something I specifically look out for in people, but that when you suddenly have that representation, you can feel it. You can feel that feeling of who you are in your bones, like a hug. It helps to see it in people you care about. It helps to feel like you could be a part of a community. 

Who knew, maybe this is what little Zoe was always seeking. I think if she saw me now, she’d glow.

I’ve been more and more attached to this feeling lately. Not because it felt new, no, it was always there– but because it had been awakened. There’s this beautiful woman. She’s been an adoring friend to me. She makes me feel a little seen, and simultaneously, a little nervous. We hung out after work downtown one night. It was fucking enchanting. I only recently started having enough confidence to walk these streets alone, and now I was doing it with someone who I felt like I could learn something from. At the end of the night, and after some cocktails, we took Lime scooters home. It started as a joke, and quickly fell into reality when I had to figure out how to operate the damn thing. 

She looked dazzling, wind in her hair. I stayed in the speed limit but my heart was racing. It was 1AM and here I was, with someone I practically just met, spilling all my secrets between stolen glances. I felt limitless. I may chase that feeling for the rest of my life. 

Looking back on the night, I know that feeling of boundlessness. It’s familiar. It was something I was searching for, constantly, until tonight. And I did not find it in some secret spot. She didn't hand it to me either. It was always within me, and I knew, in that moment, on that scooter, and especially when I finally arrived home, that I was meant to be exactly where I am. 

love, zoe