dear diary #3: stone cold in ATX.

1/09/2025

Dear Diary,

Someone told me recently i’ve got a stone cold face. when you approach me you’re unsure what i’ll say. unsure how i’ll react. unsure what it is i’m made of.

maybe a missed connection?

seems to be a lot of those lately. 

I don't know why I just can't commit. I feel like i'm just barely understanding the meaning of romantic commitment, and swear to god it took me a lot to get here. So many tears, fights, and inner battles to try and understand how people are not things to own but to cherish and experience life with. Including myself. I’ve got to slow down every once in a while and cherish myself. 

In doing so, i'm missing connections left and right. Im shutting out new people too, i don't know, attempting to nurture and fill the void i created in my teens. Am i really fucked up for that?

I have a friend i'll call Miracle, and that's because she is one. Girl’s been through some shit. Some of that was when we met. She was one of the first girl-friends i ever made, and that didnt make my ex happy. So I cut her off. We connected again back in 2022, amidst my break up haha. 

Then, as weak connections do, they go offline. And thats just what we did. We fell through, naturally this time. 

We saw each other in a library for the first time, kind of just ran into each other. and the tension was palpable. I can tell she had a lot of unanswered questions. I was in a rush, and i left without saying much.

I kind of regret it. But life keeps moving. And for me, it moves fast. And to Miracle, i’m sorry. Its always love for you.

And love to every connection i've missed. Genuinely i try to branch out and create meaningful relationships but im a firm believer that it’s a two way street. And if i make a wrong turn on a one way, i want to back out. Not for you, but for me. I hope everyone reading and listening to this chooses themselves in every relationship, because while its hard to lose someone, it’s even harder to lose yourself.

zoe