diary entry #1: A Fresh Start. Again.
7/10/2024.
Dear Diary,
In my life, I’ve probably done the act of “starting over” a fuck-billion of times. After a break up, leaving a job, moving apartments, or having revelations while on vacation. It’s its own art, really. Almost more intimate than sex. You become a master self-soother, and the feeling of your own arms becomes your favorite sensation. Right now it seems like I may never stop doing this act. But maybe that's the beauty of it. Since I’ve turned 21, I've committed to the art of fresh starts.
Last Tuesday I went to my favorite nightclub downtown. I wore a $10 dress from Pavement to go with my $200 combat boots. I slicked my eyelids in chunky glitter, running it through my eyebrows.
This touch has become a staple of mine. I felt fucking stunning.
The dress of the evening was a black, mid length, slightly shimmery dress with a leg slit, and a deep V halter neckline. When I put this dress on, I swear it was made with me in mind. There is a cutout in the stomach that perfectly showcases my spider tattoo. I felt like the web, going in all directions, circles even.
My best friend Tulip and I went in together, with a combination of about $20 to our name, and vodka shooters hidden in our outfits. Life was feeling really hard at this point in time. Everything stopped making sense. I was attempting to recover from the drama that is my life, so of course I took myself downtown.
I danced my ass off, and took shots. I could feel the music pulsing through my chest, and the alcohol going straight to my head. In the midst of the lights, I look over in the crowd and lock eyes with this girl. While still dancing to the beat, she breaks eye contact and starts eating a Push Pop. A PUSH POP. I watched her for a moment, while Everything is Romantic by Charli XCX played in the background. It was sensual, how she was eating this red flavored Push Pop. It was careless. She was inches apart from sweaty, drunk people, yet– she had made this Push Pop her priority while adhering to the rhythm. I wanted to reach that level of fearlessness. Not only did I want a Push Pop, I wanted freedom from the prison that is my own pride.
I decided to just let it all go.
Will update.
love, zoe
