October ‘23 Update
These past few weeks have felt like I was on cruise control for the entirety of it. Running at a steady 60 mph, on a straight, endless road that leads to somewhere bleak. Unknown and unsure. I don't know if some planet was in retrograde or what, but seriously, life kicked my ass. It was the day of the eclipse that everything seemed to turn around.
My job was falling through the cracks. I had a terrible manager, and an entire HR team against me. I don't know what I did to piss everyone off so much, but I had to fight tooth and nail to protect my workspace. Eventually, we got a new manager, and it’s been great since then. I finally can breathe out. During this, I envied all of my peers who work low stakes jobs, and didn't have to deal with demanding bosses and HR teams. If I were to leave the industry I’m in now, I'm never looking back.
My relationship was slipping through my fingers. The one thing I never expected out of my relationship was to feel stuck, distant, and like maybe we were just 2 people existing in the same space. Truth is, we got into the groove of things. Working, coming home, making dinner, etc. So we sat down and decided to also give attention to our relationship, to nurture and grow this beautiful thing that brought us together in the first place. What we have is so loving, and will forever feel so right.
To try and uplift myself out of this rut, I did some spending that maybe I shouldn't have. I spent around $300 at a hair salon, and got a full head of blonde highlights mixed in with my dark brown hair and I must admit, I love it. It definitely gave me a sense of control after everything that was happening around and to me. Sometimes a quick change can actually change everything, and that's what happened in my case.
Then, the eclipse.
Things started to look up. Literally, everyone around me was staring at the sun. I couldn't help but look too, even though I didn't have the solar glasses, and stare at the ring of fire. Not only was I potentially burning my retina, I was drowning in the atmosphere of distorted shadows and the hum of the all-too-enthusiastic crowd. No seriously, there were people singing in a chorus, “Total Eclipse of the Heart”. It was at this moment that I no longer wanted to be a part of whatever this was, and stepped back inside. Am I an asshole? No. It’s not like I said anything to them and I definitely could have. Am I a hater? Oh yes. Till I die. Blonde me doesn't care enough to sing in a goddamn quartet to the moon. Brunette me might have hummed along, but ultimately cringed nonetheless.
That day, Matt took me on a date, and we had queso at a tex mex restaurant, then took off downtown, and had Sandy’s Hamburgers. Appetizer, Dinner, and then, my favorite, dessert.
Here’s what I took away from all this– to push through anything and everything life decides to throw at you, and to keep up with your relationships, even when it seems like you can't catch up in every other aspect of your life. Thanks to anyone that read this little diary entry. I’m going to be getting back into writing poetry and finish working on updating my book, so hopefully more posts coming soon. ily.
xo, zo
