is this what i should be doing?

I was freshly single, living in a brand new apartment with my best friend, and I had finally felt like myself again. I didn't feel like waiting to meet new people. Of course my previous break up still stung. But the thing about me is, It can sting all it wants to. I'm going to do what I want regardless, until eventually, it stops stinging. 

  I created a hinge account and began swiping. Previously, I vowed to never meet someone on a dating app, but as a working adult, sometimes it's easier to connect with someone online and then move it to real life when you're ready. Day after day, I spoke to and met several beautiful, kind women, gaining perspective on online dating in a queer world. I had clicked especially with a girl named Kelly. I can’t use her real name for obvious reasons, but for the sake of good storytelling, Kelly it is. 

  Kelly seemed great! (can you hear the doubt in those words?) She was tall, cute, curly haired, what more could anyone ask for? Best of all, she was polite. Now here is the catch, because there always has to be a catch. She was a Taurus. And a psych major. Now usually I get along beautifully with Taurus women, one of my old coworkers is a Taurus and she's one of my favorite people to this day. But there was always a disconnect in our conversations. I always found my mind wandering elsewhere. My heart was clearly never in it, but I ponder that hers was in it too much.

  She was a jealous girl. She was 21, outgoing and bold, and was fucking me, a 19 year old who absolutely couldn't care less who Kelly was fucking, or where her attention was directed. Texting Kelly was always a battle. With Kelly, and within myself. If I was hanging out with anyone other than her it was a problem, if I didn’t answer a text in time it was a problem, etc. It was like we were an angry old married couple, and I had only known her for two weeks. Meeting up was… interesting to say the least. She spoke to me condescendingly. I  mistook her age for the equivalent to wisdom. I hate to break it to you Kelly, but you absolutely were not the only person I was seeing, nonetheless monogamy was the farthest thing from my mind at the time. I wanted to get to know everyone and experience everything I possibly could. She wanted someone to share her life with, through thick & thin. I decided very early on that I was not that person for her. And I'm sorry for leading you on, Kelly.  

  I also chatted briefly with a guy named Drew (I don't remember his name). He was a cute college student in my city, but he kept calling me his future wife (extremely early on too!) and remember. I was not looking to get tied down, or be taken care of for that matter of fact. I was thriving on my independence, my new found womanhood. I was taking my power back. Memories are overrated, I was living in the now. Needless to say, I ghosted Drew. 

  Then, I met Matt. It wasn't your typical fairytale, but it sure felt like one. We texted and texted and texted, sending flirty selfies after another. We went on several dates, spending so much time together just because we got along so well. I won't get too far into the details. After all, he & I are still writing this story. 

  After everything I was completely spent to my core. I was waiting for change, but it didn't take me long to see that change lied within me. I was capable of writing my own story. And so now that I am, I finally can have closure from the fact that I believed I could never love again, or be loved again. And during this time of self discovery, I found myself not wanting to be alone. I didn't want to have to face loneliness more than I already had to. I wasn't ready to give my heart away again, but I was ready to put it back out there. However, even during all of this, I couldn't help but ask myself, “Is this what I should be doing?”

After years of tears, there’s so much that I've learned. 

We’ve talked enough about me, let's talk about you.

Feeling Alone in Your Relationship

If you’re in a relationship and you're feeling alone, even when you're waking up next to them, think about the relationship you have with yourself. You’ve heard it before, but I'll say it again, You can’t love someone else, if you don't already love yourself. This has nothing to do with narcissism, or self-centeredness, this has everything to do with you. Protect your energy and your heart at all costs. Remember you? Remember your feelings? They matter more than anyone else’s will. Nurture your soul, and nurture the relationships around you. Your friends, family, your parents. Remember where you come from.

It’s Okay to be Upfront, So Stop Settling

I think when we are in the thick of the relationship we can’t see that we are settling for less than we deserve. Because when you’re wearing rose tinted glasses and have hopes for the future, we can’t see that the relationship isn’t what it should be. We ignore the red flags, and mistake them for yellow. If your needs aren't being met, let them know. No ones a mind reader, they wont know how to treat you if you don't show them how. My boyfriend and I tell each other all the time what we’re needing that day, and how we can support each other. Sometimes the extra communication is just what's needed to eliminate all the overthinking and unanswered questions.

Have No Regrets

Before finishing this post, I took a trip down memory lane (instagram story archives, I know, I know.). I saw all the laughs, the love, the tears, the heartbreak. I don't remember sharing so much online but, nonetheless, I looked at everything and …. smiled. I didn't feel sick to my stomach, I didn't feel shame, I felt- those old feelings rush over me, like a soft breeze. I look at those moments, and I don't feel an ounce of regret. I wouldn't change a single thing that happened to me then. I loved to the best of my ability, I believed in second chances, and even though I went through what I did, I’ll still be the best that I can be. Learn to forgive, and even thank the people of your past. Your present may feel a little out of focus now, but trust yourself. 

You’re right on track. 

Let me know what's on your mind. DM me on IG @zoeeuhh.