19 turning 20: going with grace

I have a theory that at the age of 19 turning 20, in young women like myself, we undergo this tremendous transition, almost as if our path begins to lay before us.

I've spoken to a couple women recently about their experiences and the age’s overwhelming energy. I couldn't help but compare it to my own circumstances, and there's one thing we all had in common. Tremendous hurt.

And tremendous change.

Turning 20, you are welcoming a new life, while accepting the death of your old one. You are no longer a teen. Reality will set in. You are in a constant battle with new territory and old, all the while learning how to balance the two. I felt this the most intensely when I first moved out of my family's home in Manor, to my first apartment in Austin at 18. I thought I was ready to move out, I had the money and the will power, but god, I lacked the patience, which was necessary being that young leaving the nest. Everyday became blended into another, and I remember doing the same thing every night. Be completely anti-social, and cook dinner, that was it! I would see my family but it was rare that they visited, so I did spend a lot of my time alone, relying on social media to fill the gaps in my life. That year, I spent my 19th birthday alone. I had covid, and of course needed to quarantine. Already being a professional self-isolator, it was the lowest moment of the year. Ever since then, I've cried on my birthday, wishing things were different. However, getting older not only means turning a year older, but maturing your mind as well. You learn to live and let live, live and let go, but also, simply be alive. 

The release of my debut book, Turning Blood Into Ink, was my way of bringing myself closure. It was a way of laying my past to rest. I submerged myself into the foreseen unknown. For some I understand this isn't always the case, but it has been for me, and apparently so many others my age as well. Which leads me to this: if nothing else, if not hurt or change, what is mine and women in their 20’s simple, technical, common denominator? 

Our age.

Which brings me to my next point: Our birth charts. 

I credit this idea completely to the lovely lady who dm’ed me about this phenomena, you know who you are. Below is my birth chart. You can calculate yours here.

Listen, I am not usually this into astrology, but somehow, this transition is quite literally written in our stars. But how can this be? This looks intimidating, so I can break it down briefly for you in case you want to interpret your own chart.

A birth chart is essentially a snapshot of the sky at the time and location that you were born. House numbers are in the center circle, starting with 1-12, like a clock. Houses represent the area of life, so things like love, death, personality, marriage, career, etc. When you are 19 years old, your sign is in the 8th house, the house dealing with transformation, death, love, sex, money, intimacy, all of that. You encounter and overcome the scariest parts of yourself. Sound familiar yet? Take some time to reflect on when you were 19 turning 20, or if you are 19 right now, ground yourself in your present, and identify the ways your life is changing. Be thankful for it. Odds are, great things are headed your way. Whether or not you believe in astrology, there is evidence that your destiny EXISTS!

If I could tell myself at 19 what was ahead of me, I would have. If you're 19 and you're reading this, you’re doing amazing. You're giving it all you’ve got, and it’s not going unseen. You’re never completely alone, and don't isolate yourself anymore. Pour yourself into your passions and your art, they are what really serve you. The superficiality of society will never be enough for the fullness I know your heart embodies. You need more, you deserve better, and you owe it to yourself. Neither of us know everything yet, but the mistakes we’ve made have shaped us into the people we are today. It’s time to stop getting anxious about the future every time you have to blow out candles on another birthday cake. 

Embrace the change.

Let me know what's on your mind. DM me on instagram @zoeeuhh.