The Morality Thing

Everyone has those moments where, if you concentrate hard enough, you can see yourself out of your body and suddenly become ridiculously self aware. Your habits, the way you talk, the people you surround yourself with… it all adds up in the equation of your life. 

This all decided to dawn on me while I was at a bar on West 6th. Yes, I, Zoe Marie, drunk as hell off of four cocktails, had an epiphany. With a cosmo in one hand, I wondered, can you be right AND wrong all at once?

I know what you're thinking. Who in their right— excuse me, inebriated mind would have some sort of morality crisis?

Trust me, I'm wondering the same thing. But even dark bars can shine light on certain situations. 

Now I don't usually spend my free time in bars, but I did on one evening out with a couple friends. One of our favorite things to do is people watch, and what we witnessed was every girlfriend's nightmare. 

We all have scattered IG mutuals, and when they live in your town, it can seem very small. To any of my folks living in Austin, we know it can feel very, very small. 

This guy I went to high school with happened to be there, and it's not like I was surprised, this is a popular bar on a popular street where there are 20 others just like it. I did expect, however, to see him there with his girlfriend. I guess he came alone?

I didn’t give it another thought. I ordered cocktail #2 and we happily continued our night. It was after he came to the booth next to us, and slid in next to another woman that I started to pay attention.

This guy's girlfriend has been with him since highschool, and at the old age of 21, if you're still dating your highschool sweetheart— you deserve a fucking medal for your bravery. Additionally, I was sort of close to her in highschool. He had his arm around her, and ordered her a drink. He flirted and made comments about how great she looked and she thanked him with ease. I was honestly disgusted by what I was seeing. In that same moment, my conscious soul had risen out of my body and watched me and my friends take sip after sip, silently watching the adultery at hand.

It got me thinking. I once cared about this girl. We skipped classes together. We laughed together. We were 14 together. Though I don't know her anymore, I had her back then, and part of me wanted to have it now. 

Just as fast as I rose out of my body, I fell right back down. No literally, I tripped as we were leaving. Apparently 4 cocktails and stilettos don't mix. 

Our night was cut tragically short. My friend's boyfriend had a great idea! He thought, “Hey!! Why not start the 5th argument of this week while my girlfriend (who’s too good for me) is out with her friends??”

Just Peachy!

I knew the drill. As soon as I noticed her eyes glued to her phone all night, it was time to go. Like a sad, drunk puppy, I trotted out of that place. As we walked back to the car, I could tell she was stifling a sob.

”Oh God, what is it with him now?” I drunkenly hissed. I didn’t mean to sound rude but, my heels were pinching, I was getting sleepy, and this was the second time this evening that a man was trying to ruin my night.

Her watery eyes darted at me. “It’s the same fucking SHIT Zoe, OK? The same shit, but you knew that didn’t you.”

My eyebrows furrowed and I looked down. Everytime she was hanging out with someone other than him, it was always like this. No matter how much I begged and pleaded with her to leave him, she just couldn’t. And that I knew. 

On the drive home, courtesy of our D.D., I leaned my head against the window— lost in thought, and some nausea. I focused, and saw myself once again, this time in the reflection of the glass. I wondered if I liked what I saw gazing back at me. At this moment, I wasn’t sure. 

Everything had started to replay in my head.

The guy at the bar.

The $35 spent on cocktails.

The rise, AND the fall. 

And my best friend's tears.

Why didn’t I go straight up to that jerk and tell him the fuck off?? Snap a photo for proof, wave my finger in his face, cause a scene, something, anything to make sure his girlfriend knew what he was out here doing out of her presence!

But what if she already knew? I mean they’ve been together off and on for almost 7 years, and she’s a smart girl. She knew when he was up to something in highschool, and I could promise you she knew it now, too. 

Still I couldn’t be sure. I've been in that position of knowing and ignoring. So I left well enough alone. 

Isn’t ignorance bliss? 

Isn’t it the Get Out of Your Mind Free Card? Can’t I use it when I want to? 

YES! YOU CAN! THAT'S THE BEAUTY OF GOYM FREE CARDS— they’re free. 

You see, it’s impossible to always be in the right in any sideways situation when the odds of it are stacked against you. A relationship that has nothing to do with me, and a boyfriend that's not mine… yet how quickly I inserted myself. 

That douchebag at the bar is making his own karma, and so is my friend's boyfriend. Where their moral compass points is not my way home, and that’s okay to accept. I tend to mistake morality for vigilance but morality is so subjective. I feel like it’s up there with religion, you know? Not exactly level but still in some gray area of subjectivity. Everyone’s on its spectrum but standing in different places. Growing up, good & bad seemed so black and white. But since then the world has proved to us time and time again that it doesn't always present us with what’s actually there. We have to pave our own path through the fog.

So where does that leave us?  

Figuring it out on our own, I guess.

To find yourself, is to think for yourself.

~ Socrates

      xo, zo