Matters of the Heart: Committing in our 20’s
We, my friends, are only getting older with time, and with that comes alot of hard decisions we've had to make along the way. Some of us are deciding to stay single. Some play the field. Or, hell, marry young.
But before we say I do, should we first decide if we don't?
The more people I meet in this city, the more I get to see first hand the way love moves through Austin, like a tornado mistaken for a breeze. Leaving us disheveled & broken and yet– we all know we will walk in the direction of the tornado again.
In the age of dating apps, it’s easy to say that twenty-somethings have settled into a culture of disposal and a fear of missing out. But it goes deeper than that.
I asked two people who I knew have had very different experiences in love. Mckayla, a 20 year old christian, straight woman, and Tulip, a 21 year old gay man.
2 different sides of the spectrum.
Here's what they had to say.
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Mckayla
Me: What are your overall thoughts on commitment? What about romantically?
Mckayla: Commitment can mean different things to different people. Being committed to a person and to a relationship can be two different things. I’ve come to the conclusion that commitment in a romantic way means I am both committed to that person & our relationship.
Mckayla: In friendships, too.
Me: Well said– but how do you differentiate the two?
Mckayla: I’m not committed to my parents like that because I'm committed to our relationship as parent child, not who they are as people. Like I love Jarred and I'm committed to him as a person, and committed to our relationship. I’ve made promises to love him and to be respectful and loyal. It’s a smaller commitment than marriage but that is what my intentions of dating are for.
Me: [interjecting] You’re dating for marriage.
Mckayla: Yes, so my commitment to our relationship is big and he understands my mindset so his is big as well. But that's how it varies.
Me: Love is a choice then.
Mckayla: Yes and no. I believe falling in love is not a choice but staying in it is.
Me: Thank you, Mckayla.
Tulip
Me: Are you open to commitment?
Tulip: I'm not very good at committing romantically. I'm good at commitment to myself and my own journey.
Me: When you decide to date someone, are you dating to marry?
Tulip: Currently, i'm not dating for marriage. I'm more on the hunt for someone worth my time, loyalty, and love. I don't want to jump into a relationship and hope for marriage with that one person. To me, that's not too realistic I guess. That's more of a hetero-normative mindset to have.
Me: Great point. Instead of looking for a life partner, you hope to find someone who you can just love.
Tulip: Right. When I'm in a relationship, I want to learn about the person, build trust, have fun experiences, and have mutual respect. You know, the same things you’d ask for in a relationship.
Me: Thanks for your time tul.
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The difference between these two people isn't just who they love, but how they choose to love them.
One is dating to marry.
One is dating to love.
And me? Dating in hopes to experience both.
When I was a teenager, as juvenile as this is going to sound, I could not stomach being with a guy for more than 3 days. Three. An oddly specific number, but still when we had come around to that third day of dating, the knot in my stomach had grown to its largest form. All I could muster myself up to say on that 3rd day was something pathetically along the lines of “I'm sorry. I just can’t.”
That feeling always confused me. I wanted to experience love, I really did. But I couldn't ignore The Knot.
The Knot could consume me whenever it wanted to. The Knot knew what it didn’t want but never what it did.
When I met Matthew, The Knot was a tangled mess. Writhing and ugly. Every now and then I would inspect it for what it is, maybe even try to find out what it needs, how to feed it… how to unravel it. I struggled with this for a long time.
Until August 29th, 2023. A diary entry.
“ever since i was a child i’ve been told the world is my oyster, and to explore every goddamn crevice of it. so i get scared of really fucking loving someone too much because i could lose them, this could end in hurt, and i’ll start to feel resentment, wishing i had been doing something else with my time. It might be an avoidant thing, but I'm learning to just start facing it head on. And i had to the other night. We smoked and took a drive. Driving with him makes me feel on top of the world. music was playing and he was holding my hand. wind in his hair. I looked over at him and I just felt an immense feeling I can't even begin to explain. I felt light. I felt like i wasn’t in the car at that moment, it felt like i was in the middle of the ocean, floating on my back, staring up at the sky. and the sky wasnt blue. it was the color of his eyes. and I wanted to drown. we parked the car back at his house, and sat in silence for a moment. I looked over at him and said the first thing on my mind. “if we were to break up, in this lifetime or in some alternate reality, i will always come back to you. always.” this struck something in him and i could see it. It struck something in me too. i can see through his smiles the lingering fear of our relationship, and i understand it. i feel it too. so i had to say something, out loud, and it reassured us both. i will love him forever, and thats okay. I dont need the oyster and its crevices, when i have the entire ocean in my heart. i am no longer afraid of the hurt our future could bring, but instead, eager for the joy that is certain to come. I will love him to the fullest, and with the most love and kindness i have to give. he deserves that. not someone who cant face those feelings out of fear. he deserves someone brave, and so do i.”
Finally, The Knot dissipated, & I could allow myself the one thing I had been wanting– Love.
It’s hard to be honest with yourself when it’s easier to lie. The one thing people want besides being loved is to love.
Us 20-somethings get stuck in this merciless cycle of baking the cake and eating it too. In other words, we like to (& easily will) accept love from people, yet still want more. Doing so just hurts us even more in the long run, all the while telling ourselves, “I have my whole life ahead of me.” But do you know that, really? Do you have real security in that statement?
I’m not saying to jump the next person you date, & force them into a long-term relationship.
I'm saying to open yourself up to a new possibility. When you find that rare, amazing, electrifying love, you don't just give it up. Love is powerful and so are you. Ravish in it.
Stravinsky composed a classical piece in 1945 called, “Symphony In Three Movements.” I let it play as I write this.
3 movements, in one symphony of emotion– fear, sadness, and loneliness. They work together in attempts to invalidate your true feelings. They don't want to see you love to the fullest because it’ll cancel them out. While the movement is tempting, don't give in to the music. Stavinsky, a timeless romantic, would not be proud.
Now that I've laid some groundwork for you & got your gears turning, there are some questions you need to ask yourself before you decide to commit to that special someone:
Are we compatible?
Do I trust them?
Do we communicate well?
Is there a future in this?
Are we both willing to commit?
I wish I had the answers for you, but I don't. Only you do. When it comes to love, all bets are off. Fuck the noise. Follow your heart.
xo, zo
