the death of peace of mind
Hi, again. Remember me?
I took a little hiatus, so what? Can you blame me? Don't tell me March and April have not been some of the hardest months you’ve had in a while.
Mercury retrograde always sweeps in while you're feeling limitless and shits all over your hopes and newly formed good habits. Stomps them out like a cigarette.
I was becoming this shell running on autopilot. Breaking down at the slightest inconveniences, and testing the waters of my comfortable (ish) life. This relationship shit, I couldn't get it out of my head. Is it really for me? Am I really built for this? Am I still equipped to love you and love myself?
Every task was emotional and hard, and nothing felt right. Nothing felt like it fit. A writer hit a life block.
But here I am. I've been working nonstop, and putting my needs to the side. I'm done doing that. I'm putting pen back to paper.
While my peace of mind disappeared, something else sprouted in its place…
Fearlessness.
I've been learning to read tarot, mine and others, and journaling about it. It’s taught me alot. I’ve learned alot about my relationships, and my past ones. Everything started to make sense again. Thank you libby, for showing me this form of art.
Astrology does not rule my life. I don't use it to excuse my bad behavior and I do not completely judge people based on their sign. But it’s a great place to start. Astrology, especially tarot, is a wonderful way to spark introspection. ;)
I’ve also been wildly inconsistent with taking my anxiety meds which is a beast of its own. In doing so (or the lack thereof), it made life feel a lot harder than it really is. Nervous anxiety and depression run in my family, on both sides. I try not to blame myself, but when you're born to parents with a history of mental illness it's like fucken russian roulette, you don't know if you’ll have to bite the lexapro bullet when you're born.
Basically, it's not our fault. It’s nobody’s really. Taking steps to better your mental health is like learning to walk again.
Funny enough, my mental health journey started because one of my ex girlfriends made me go to therapy. I should have really gone to therapy way before then, but while our relationship was tumultuous and definitely drove me to the point of insanity, I do thank her in a lot of ways for kick-starting my path to seeking help.
Therapy is very hard for me, but I’ve heard & seen it do wonders for others. I prefer spilling my guts to my girlfriends.
I will say therapists did help me continuously ask myself one question. Why? Why do I feel this way? Why did I react that way? It pushed me to keep digging deeper. Something as simple as why…
I didn't stay in therapy long enough to get prescribed anything, but I was given a diagnosis.
I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder. That's it. I'm a byproduct of my environment.
Everyone has anxiety, but people with GAD experience anxiety ten times as intensely. There is constant worry, nervousness and self induced stress about things that have little or no reason to worry about them. It can be crippling untreated.
So now I take Zoloft. Yipee!!
Here is where I get my medication when I dont have insurance. (I'm a day job hopper.)
https://www.forhers.com/ - Affordable and reliable.
This is my comfort movie.
Comfort Album. (Always evolving.)
When I listen to this album I feel like my sweet, and sexy self again.
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Do the things that make you smile. The things that give you that little tingle of excitement in your chest. The things that bring fucking tears to your eyes. But also, never forget to comfort yourself. Find your balance, and remember-
One foot at a time.
xo, zo
