marriage or mirage?

Hand in hand, you and your lover are sailing on a boat through a vast ocean, in hopes to reach a magical island in which only true love exists. You both stare into the distance, love sparking in your eyes. You know in your heart this journey is meant to be. In an instance, as if the ride couldn't get any smoother, the boat gracefully reaches the island’s shore.

Except there is no boat. And there is no magical island.

Only chronically online twenty-somethings, and Austin-fucking-Texas. And there is nothing graceful about that.

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I may always revisit this topic, but it’s one that rings over and over in my head as the years pass.

As a kid I knew that the steps in life are college, marriage, kids, death. Obviously now I've learned it’s not so cut and dry, but it all seemed so easy in hindsight. The people I've met who’ve followed these steps are either truly content with their decisions or very regretful. no in between. I assume anyone who falls in between the two categories has a lot more to the story than they’re letting on.

Is it bad that I want to avoid the complicatedness of it all? Or is that the point?

My parents almost divorced 4 times. This was during the pandemic lockdown. While the constant close quarters was partially to blame, there was absolutely more in contribution. They did this messy tango with let’s work this out and fuck you. I mean, there’s no way they woke up one day and decided i want to divorce you… right?

At the time I was dating someone who I knew I would probably never marry, and when I realized this I thought, okay, then what exactly am i doing? what’s the point here? im not dating for marriage, so i must be dating for… everlasting love? no, that can’t be right, not without the bullshit, right? the effects of their quadruple-almost-divorce was seeping its way into my young relationships, and then i knew, marriage was not for me. 

So then this blew my life plan out of proportion, and as a capricorn, it immediately needed to be replaced with another.

There’s also that little thing called codependency i can’t seem to kick. or maybe it’s a cry for attention— something i picked up from watching my mother and father argue over the years. 

Here’s how i’ve watched my codependency mutate over time. 

When i was in highschool, lovers were very disposable to me. i had a new one every two weeks, and when one finally stuck, she was a woman. it was new to me, this love thing. and man i loved her.

But with that i learned love never arrives alone. she brings a bunch of friends who you didn’t invite and didn’t plan for. her friends being:

codependency

childhood trauma

jealousy 

& attention whore

Codependency is the kindest of them all. she apologizes for the abrupt way she’s arrived but eats all the chips. She gets white girl drunk and blames it on her problems. She masks herself as this very necessary thing when really, it’s not always about her. 

Childhood trauma is super aggro. She’s set the fuck off at the flick of a switch, and you never know what you’re gonna get. She’s antsy and walks right past you but shoots a dirty look. she only drinks cokes at the function. Strictly no alcohol. 

Jealousy… where do I begin with her? She snuck in behind the crowd and likes to go undetected, like some STD’s. She’s stuck up and no one really wanted her there to begin with. She talks a lot but about nothing, and in reality just wants to get her way, or she’s a pain in the ass. 

Attention whore is just okay. She has her moments but truly she is exactly how described. she will lash out or, like jealousy, be a little more sneaky with her techniques for attention. she’s everyone’s frenemy. 

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I would find my stomach dropping when she would talk about other women, who were her friends mind you, and i couldn’t explain it. or when she’d attend events without me, i’d get jealous and play mind games over the phone to keep her attention. It was fucked up and I regret it, but at the same time I didn’t understand why I was doing that. And in all honesty, it took the relationship ending for me to even begin to see that. 

It soon became clear that in many ways, in her eyes some of what was wrong with the relationship was me. Coming to terms with that now even sucks. But it’s what growth is all about, and what recognizing your wrongs really means. 

And the whole time, I knew I wouldn’t marry her. So why inflict and go through all the hassle? 

Because I loved her. so that makes me wonder, did I really even see marriage in our future, or was i dumb, young, and in love?

Now almost five years later, my mindset has changed drastically.

After plenty of dates and duds, I'm with someone who i love so much, I can't believe I ever thought I knew what love was before. I look at him and feel safe. I want to feel that forever. 

And i see women come into the restaurant i work at, some celebrating an engagement, or a bachelorette, and i think, fuck i want to do that. Is it my love for celebration or do I see these ecstatic brides to be and want to experience that for myself?

Even after analyzing it like this, I still don't know if it’s something I want. I've heard different perspectives, some even saying marriage would be purely for financial gain, but is that where we've come as people? as lovers?

As women?

I've never been religious but i clutch my cross necklace  as I write this.

One day… You and I may not be married with kids. but instead… living a dream life, with disposable income, and your bestest friends. people are not yours to own, but to experience life with. and maybe, just maybe… that’s what life is all about. And that’s okay with me.

But for now, I’m not worried about what’s in store for my future. All I need is a good cocktail, and my girlfriend’s by my side. 

xo, zo