baby talk at 20

Hey y’all, 

Today I have an interesting topic to chat about. It’s not something I talk about often, but it is something that crosses my mind every now and then. 

Do I want kids?

Do I want to be a mother?

While I'm only 20, I know for a fact that this isn't currently something that I'm wanting to start planning, as I already am working toward a fulfilling career in professional writing. I have a plan to move to NYC after college and settle there for a while. I swear that city is always calling to me, but how can I raise a child there? What if I'm alone in New York City? What if I'm not financially ready then? Do I really want to be responsible for someone else?

My family wants to see me have kids in their lifetime, have a baby to spoil again. I understand the want to see me have an offspring of sorts but has anyone thought about what the hell I want?? I can tell you what I don't want. I don't want to push an entire human out of my vagina, tear from my hole to my ass, and piss and shit everywhere. That happens you know. 

And then go home with a big bill. AND A KID!!

I’ve heard it's the biggest joy a person could experience, and that you’ll know when the time is right to have one. But how can that be the case? If I found out I was pregnant tomorrow, would it be the right time then? 

Carrie and Big from SATC never had kids, just tons of disposable income, and an apartment overlooking the ocean. Seriously, what more does a lady need? 

Why, as women, are we told we need to have kids to experience true happiness and content? For me, true happiness is getting my hair done, NOT giving birth.

Again, we're young, who cares? But, if I still don't have a kid after 30, should I just drop the idea altogether? Women's bodies only get less fertile with time, and men can be fertile their entire lives. Why’s the pressure on us?

Also…. do I want a 10 year old at 40? C'mon guys.

But in the interest of being impartial, and somewhat fair, I have to consider both sides of the debate. I actually wrote my future child a poem quite some time ago.

“To my child

My baby

Your mama will always love you

I long to hold you, please wait for me

I'm not proud of the world  

I am bringing you into

I don't have too much money

But i have enough to keep us happy

Remember that that's all that matters in this life

i will hold you above everything else

You are the love of my life

And i do not expect perfection from you

Just your very best

And i will hold your face

And kiss your cheeks

Remind you constantly of your endless beauty

I don't know when you'll arrive

But when you do

Just know

I'll be ready for you.”

Clearly part of me wants a kid, more specifically, a mini me (like, how stinking cute?)- someone I can care for, and show what life has to offer. And god, to see my boyfriend’s beautiful eyes on our baby would be life changing in of itself. 

Speaking of him, to all my people with significant o’s, how wonderful is it to see them playing with kids or holding a baby? Really awakens something in you, doesn't it? So goddammit, why am I still fighting the idea?

I don't know if I would really want to bring someone else into this world we live in. The political climate, and well, climate change have gone to shit, and capitalism is a beast we can't win. Is it worth it to bring a baby into this?

I have taken antidepressants on a daily basis for the past two years. Recent studies show that certain antidepressants stunt your ability to have kids in the future. Am I being punished for being mentally ill?

Aren't we all?

                                           xo, zo